Sour - Tone of everyday

Beautiful music video by Sour

Dances with Squirrels

My introduction to performance art.

Many years ago, when station wagons roamed the land, my parents took my brother and me on vacation to Lake Tahoe. This was before DVD players or for that matter before VHS. Nope, it was just my brother and me beating the crap out of each other for ten straight hours and my Jewish mother screaming at us from the front; my father white-knuckling the steering wheel.

Except for the occasional burning car, dead coyote or the creepy purple glow from the nuke test range, the space between Vegas and Tahoe is an empty wasteland.

My dad stopped at Tonopah to get gas and we got out to search for a snake or lizard to scare my mother with. I lifted a rock and was stung by a scorpion. My middle finger swelled up like a German sausage. My mother wrapped it in ice and for five hundred miles I got to flip off every passing vehicle.

In Tahoe, my dad rented a very rustic cabin and for the first ten minutes it was a kid's paradise. The rest of the 9 days, 23 hours and 50 minutes were complete boredom. Except for the last twenty minutes. Those last twenty minutes were the greatest time of my entire life.

With nothing really productive to do, we decided to become the great white hunters. Our first quarry was deer. We discovered that deer run very fast and were bigger than us. We lowered our expectations to squirrels.

I designed an ingenious trap. It consisted of a shoe box held up by a stick and some Cheese Whiz squished on a string attached to the stick. See, the plan was a squirrel would see the cheese, go into the box, pull the string that would drop the stick and the box, which would capture the varmint.

Every day we set up the trap and every night the wind blew it over. You could imagine our delight each morning, when we found the box down. I crept up and gently lifted up the box with a long stick. My brother held a large rock to stun the poor creature.

Well after the seventh time with nothing in the box, we set the trap and forgot all about it.

Now it was the tenth day and time to leave. As my dad pulled out of the dirt driveway he noticed the box. "What is that?" he asked.

"Oh, that's our squirrel trap," I replied.

"Well pick that crap up and throw it away." I kicked my brother out of the car, he stumbled over to the box and casually lifted it up. Now there are few moments in one's life that are so beautiful and perfect that you get a feeling you are one with the universe. This was such a moment for me.

Three days before, one of the dumbest squirrels in Lake Tahoe, saw the cheese, pulled the string and was trapped by the box. And for three days this squirrel sat in the dark. When my brother lifted the box, the squirrel - half insane from thirst and hunger and blinded by the sun confused my brother for a red headed tree and jumped on his chest. The squirrel dug in his little furry claws and was never letting go.

I remember my bother jumping back in fright, noticed the squirrel locked onto his chest and did something akin to an Irish jig. His feet were flinging back and forth, his arms waving in the air and he was shouting something in Gaelic. Then he ran full speed into the forest and vanished like smoke in the wind.

My parents sat there a moment in complete stunned silence. Then my dad slowly got out of the car, slammed the door, grabbed my mother's toiletry bag from the trunk and ran into the forest. I got out as quickly as a could and ran after them.

About fifty yards in, there was a small clearing, rays of golden sunlight streamed through the trees and upon the nettled covered ground, my father was trying to remove the squirrel by beating living hell out of my brother with the battered toiletry bag.

I still get a little teary eyed thinking about that scene.

**No squirrels were harmed in the creating of this story**

To the Fray

A few months ago, I published a short story in Fray. It was called, "Hosing Down the Prostitutes" I included a link to the story .. Here and HERE. Anyway, they're set to publish another story of mine and so far they're the only ones who think I'm funny. If you could find it in your heart to subscribe I would be most appreciative.

Maybe, I will even include my "Dances with Squirrels" story.

Monster or Fish Food?

My brother Roger clued me into this disturbing and terrifying video. Apparently, the creatures were captured on a snake camera in a North Carolina sewer. Is it real? Is it alien? Who knows?



Although, a viable answer is this a common type of fish food.

Leroy Jenkins Origin

I have found the origin of Leroy Jenkins. The famed WoW adventurer. In the book, "Fire and Ice" by Clive Cussler on page 21 there is a sub-character named Leeroy Jenkins. The book was published in 2002, which means it was written in 2001. Leroy has finally been exposed.

Below is a scan of the page.

Billy Mays - King of the Pitch

I don't know why, but I've been addicted to watching Pitchman, staring Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan on the Discovery Channel. There was something about Billy Mayss goof ball bigger-than-life personality I found hilarious. Billy even had a nemesis, the ShamWow guy, Vince Offer.

So, it came as a shock to find out that Billy Mays died today. The cause is still unknown, but may be related to a plane crash he was involved in yesterday. In any case, I will miss him and his Oxiclean. I wish his family all the best.

God's speed Billy Mays.

Well after this supreme bummer, I found this cute little video that cheered me up. I hope you enjoy it too.

Pig Brains - Ultimate Zombie Food

I love bad food. I don't know why, but the worst the better for me. Here are some of my favorites, plus a ultimate new entry.

Jimmy Dean Flapsticks: This lovely item is basically a hot dog wrapped in pancake and sprinkled with chocolate chips. What could be better for breakfast?

The worst burger goes to Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger. Only 1,520 calories and 111 grams of fat. Figure the average guys needs around 2,000 calories and about 40 grams of fat, you get about a two days of food from just this one burger.

Worst appetizer goes to the Australians ... it is the authentic Sydney special, Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. This wonderful item has 2,900 calories, 182 grams of fat and 240 grams of carbs. As "Eat This, Not That" puts it. "This weapon of mass construction is the caloric equivalent of eating 14 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, before your dinner arrives." - Awesome.

But nothing beats this wholesome food item, I came across at the Consumerist. It's yummy pig brains in milk gravy. Not only does it break every Kosher rule in the book, it has a whopping 3,500 mg of cholesterol and 550 mg of sodium. It's like a stroke in a can.

Star Wars Dance Off

The geek in me loves this ... but is it art?

Vegas Bachelor Party - Baby

As a third generation Las Vegan, I'm often asked about Vegas bachelor party advice. I've tried to write about this subject a number times, but never seem to get it right. ... but here it goes.

I've been married sixteen years and of all of the memories I carry around with me, my bachelor party is not one of them. Not that I didn't enjoy it, I had a great time. It's just ... not that important.

So my first piece of advice is this: You have your whole life to screw up your marriage, why do it before it begins? You need to have a fun but recoverable bachelor party.

• Plan your party at least two weeks before the wedding. This will give you time to heal that black eye, recover from the sunburn, get rid of the disease, ect ...
• You need a trusted older male to supervise and maintain control - this is not meant to be a spoiler, but a limiter. Preferably a good brother-in-law, your father or a very cool headed father-in-law. He is the ultimate law enforcer. All must respect his "Authoritay .." This will also calm the frazzled nerves of your beautiful bride.
  
• Do NOT hire an escort or stripper to come to your room. It never goes well. If you want that sort of entertainment go to a strip club. It will cost a whole lot less money for a lot more entertainment.
• Have something more than just a stripper. I recommend a poker tournament. It is fairly inexpensive, it provides about 2 to 3 hours of entertainment and who knows you could win some big money. Stay away from slot machines.
• Do NOT drink and drive in Vegas. The DUI laws are strictly enforced. This is a good activity for your supervisor. Another good idea is to rent a van so that designated driver can take you bums in one vehicle.
• There is no humidity in Las Vegas and you will become dehydrated. Plan on drinking at least four 8oz bottles of water a day. I would drink at least 6 bottles of water before you start drinking alchohol.
• Do not hire a prostitute. Prostitution is not legal in Las Vegas or Clark County. You will probably get rolled - if you're lucky. Also many prostitutes are guys in disguise. If you must engage in this activity then go to Pahrump where it is legal and the girls are tested. It will cost quite a bit of mone and will probably make your future bride angry.
• Do NOT bring anyone back to your room. Your room is your sanctuary - safe zone. The person who wants to go back to your room probably just wants to rob you, cut your throat and leave you to bleed out in the bathtub.
• Do NOT get seperated from your group. Stay with the team. Watch your drink.
• Have a meet up place the morning after the BIG event. I suggest a breakfast buffet at your hotel around 10:30 am. That way you can find anyone who is missing. Also, it encourages your friends to end the party before 4 in the morning.
• Watch your wallet - keep it in your front pocket.
• Video poker is the best type of slot machine to play. Try to find IGT's Optimum poker. It has a pay rate of 99 percent. Figure on spending about 50 to 75 bucks an hour playing slot machines.
• If you don't know how to play a hand in blackjack, ask the dealer. They'll tell you optimal strategy. Follow the rules when gambling, the security guys don't like rule breakers. Big Wheel, Flip-It and Let It Ride are some of the worst odd games in the casino.
• Don't try to pretend you're a poker pro when you're not. The sharks can sniff the fresh blood a mile away. If it is a slow night, tell the poker room manger you're a noob and he will find a shark-free table for you to play at.
• If you're going to gamble, get a player's card and start getting rated. You can get all kinds of free things with just a little bit of play. However, unless you're a big fish (2k a hand) then don't bother getting rated at the Venetian, Mirage, Belagio, MGM, Mandalay Bay, Palms, or the Hilton. The Golden Nugget, Wynn, Paris, Tropicana, Sam's Town, Gold Coast and the Oreleans are good places to get a card no matter what your play is.
• If you're in Vegas on a Monday night, then I recommend going to the Hush Puppy for all-you-can-eat crab. There is nothing like it in Vegas. The Hush Puppy is out of the way and you should arrive early - the place is always packed.
• A bachelor party is what your make it. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. Relax and have fun.

Anyway, there it is. You know how this works .. just keep your wits about you and use common sense. I hope you have a fantastic B party and if you have any questions feel free to drop me an email.