My solution to Creationism

Many schools are having a difficult time explaining the science of creationism. I think I've found the perfect solution. I suggest this statement be placed in every science book:


The Universe is at least 6,000 years old. At least one god may or may not have created, dreamed, hatched, cried, whipped up, smashed down, molded, gave birth to and/or spitted out the Universe. The Universe took at least 6 days to form.

In the beginning of Earth's formation there were no animals. After at least four days there were animals on the Earth. After at least five days there were humans on the Earth. 6,000 years ago there were gardens. At least one man and one woman probably lived in a garden and there were most likely animals there as well. At this time (6,000 years ago) dinosaurs did not pose a threat to humans. Snakes can be dangerous. People should not eat plants they're unfamiliar with. Sometimes men and women get tired of living in a garden and leave.

Humans have remained genetically same and have not evolved for at least 6,000 years. Soil contains carbon and other bio material. The same chemicals and compounds in soil can be found in humans. When soil dries out it can be considered by some to be dust. Therefore the same material that makes a human is also in dust.

Men sleep and sometimes they hurt one of their ribs while they're asleep. Sometimes the injury is so bad that the rib must be removed . Sometimes women need a bone marrow transplant and it's theoretically possible that the marrow from the damaged rib could be used to give life to the woman. Then they would have some of the same stuff in common. This could cause an emotional bond to form and the man and woman could get married.

See, it's all better now.

Source Story: "The Universe Could Soon Be 6,000 Years Old in Texas"

Great Wedding Day

If all weddings were like this I would go.



Source - Huffingtonpost

What Happened to Us?

Today - July 16, 2009 marks the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11. On this day, Neil A. Armstrong, Michael Collins and Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin Jr left the Earth and flew to the moon. On July 20th, Armstrong announced those now famous words, "The eagle has landed."

After Armstrong descended the ladder of the landing module and he took his first step on the lunar surface he said, ""That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind"



I was five years old and I barely remember the event, but the influence of the flight lasted a life time. Or so I thought.

What happened to us? Since that historic journey, things have gotten worse. We wrecked the environment. There are more wars and more children starving. With all the new technology we can't even seem to leave orbit. My God, there are even more people who think the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

Okay, there's the Internet. I guess that cool. And there's WoW and gastric bands for when you get too fat from playing WoW. There is HDTV and computers. And the first black president. But really the spirit of adventure has died.

My first scifi novel was "A Wrinkle in Time". I didn't really identify with Meg, but that was okay, the whole premise was fantastic. Next, I got hooked on the Heinlein adolescence series. Stories like, "Starman Jones" and "Have Space Suit will Travel". This was a time when everything was possible. There would be a base on the moon and then to Mars and then to Jupiter and then My God it's full of stars ...

But slowly and incrementally I slipped into cyberpunk. In the 80's I lost all those dreams and descended into the decay of society. I was into "Neuromancer", "Armor", "The Forever War", "When Gravity Fails" and "A Scanner Darkly".

And then came acceptance that we totally screwed ourselves and I started reading organic science fiction like "Ender's Game" and "The Dispossessed".

Forty years have passed and we are still no closser to leaving the orbit of this planet. We are at least ten more years away from getting back to the moon and maybe fifty years away from going to Mars.

What happened to us?

Boston.com has a great selection of photo's from the historic mission
NASA's Apollo 11 page.

Bastille Day

I took two semesters of French in college so here it goes ...

Le jour heureux de bastille!!

On this day in 1789 the prison / fortress Bastille was stormed by angry French peasants, marking the beginning of the French revolution and the end to French royalty. It also marked the beginning of the separation of head and body. Thank you Mr. Guillotine.

In tribute of the French revolution, which we Americans caused by our revolution - Not by our independent ideals, but because of the tremendous debt France incurred by supporting us - here is a little tribute to you.



Vive la France!

**Special thanks to Polly-Vous Francais for setting me straight on Viva vs. Vive**

Sour - Tone of everyday

Beautiful music video by Sour

Dances with Squirrels

My introduction to performance art.

Many years ago, when station wagons roamed the land, my parents took my brother and me on vacation to Lake Tahoe. This was before DVD players or for that matter before VHS. Nope, it was just my brother and me beating the crap out of each other for ten straight hours and my Jewish mother screaming at us from the front; my father white-knuckling the steering wheel.

Except for the occasional burning car, dead coyote or the creepy purple glow from the nuke test range, the space between Vegas and Tahoe is an empty wasteland.

My dad stopped at Tonopah to get gas and we got out to search for a snake or lizard to scare my mother with. I lifted a rock and was stung by a scorpion. My middle finger swelled up like a German sausage. My mother wrapped it in ice and for five hundred miles I got to flip off every passing vehicle.

In Tahoe, my dad rented a very rustic cabin and for the first ten minutes it was a kid's paradise. The rest of the 9 days, 23 hours and 50 minutes were complete boredom. Except for the last twenty minutes. Those last twenty minutes were the greatest time of my entire life.

With nothing really productive to do, we decided to become the great white hunters. Our first quarry was deer. We discovered that deer run very fast and were bigger than us. We lowered our expectations to squirrels.

I designed an ingenious trap. It consisted of a shoe box held up by a stick and some Cheese Whiz squished on a string attached to the stick. See, the plan was a squirrel would see the cheese, go into the box, pull the string that would drop the stick and the box, which would capture the varmint.

Every day we set up the trap and every night the wind blew it over. You could imagine our delight each morning, when we found the box down. I crept up and gently lifted up the box with a long stick. My brother held a large rock to stun the poor creature.

Well after the seventh time with nothing in the box, we set the trap and forgot all about it.

Now it was the tenth day and time to leave. As my dad pulled out of the dirt driveway he noticed the box. "What is that?" he asked.

"Oh, that's our squirrel trap," I replied.

"Well pick that crap up and throw it away." I kicked my brother out of the car, he stumbled over to the box and casually lifted it up. Now there are few moments in one's life that are so beautiful and perfect that you get a feeling you are one with the universe. This was such a moment for me.

Three days before, one of the dumbest squirrels in Lake Tahoe, saw the cheese, pulled the string and was trapped by the box. And for three days this squirrel sat in the dark. When my brother lifted the box, the squirrel - half insane from thirst and hunger and blinded by the sun confused my brother for a red headed tree and jumped on his chest. The squirrel dug in his little furry claws and was never letting go.

I remember my bother jumping back in fright, noticed the squirrel locked onto his chest and did something akin to an Irish jig. His feet were flinging back and forth, his arms waving in the air and he was shouting something in Gaelic. Then he ran full speed into the forest and vanished like smoke in the wind.

My parents sat there a moment in complete stunned silence. Then my dad slowly got out of the car, slammed the door, grabbed my mother's toiletry bag from the trunk and ran into the forest. I got out as quickly as a could and ran after them.

About fifty yards in, there was a small clearing, rays of golden sunlight streamed through the trees and upon the nettled covered ground, my father was trying to remove the squirrel by beating living hell out of my brother with the battered toiletry bag.

I still get a little teary eyed thinking about that scene.

**No squirrels were harmed in the creating of this story**

To the Fray

A few months ago, I published a short story in Fray. It was called, "Hosing Down the Prostitutes" I included a link to the story .. Here and HERE. Anyway, they're set to publish another story of mine and so far they're the only ones who think I'm funny. If you could find it in your heart to subscribe I would be most appreciative.

Maybe, I will even include my "Dances with Squirrels" story.

Monster or Fish Food?

My brother Roger clued me into this disturbing and terrifying video. Apparently, the creatures were captured on a snake camera in a North Carolina sewer. Is it real? Is it alien? Who knows?



Although, a viable answer is this a common type of fish food.

Leroy Jenkins Origin

I have found the origin of Leroy Jenkins. The famed WoW adventurer. In the book, "Fire and Ice" by Clive Cussler on page 21 there is a sub-character named Leeroy Jenkins. The book was published in 2002, which means it was written in 2001. Leroy has finally been exposed.

Below is a scan of the page.

Billy Mays - King of the Pitch

I don't know why, but I've been addicted to watching Pitchman, staring Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan on the Discovery Channel. There was something about Billy Mayss goof ball bigger-than-life personality I found hilarious. Billy even had a nemesis, the ShamWow guy, Vince Offer.

So, it came as a shock to find out that Billy Mays died today. The cause is still unknown, but may be related to a plane crash he was involved in yesterday. In any case, I will miss him and his Oxiclean. I wish his family all the best.

God's speed Billy Mays.

Well after this supreme bummer, I found this cute little video that cheered me up. I hope you enjoy it too.

Pig Brains - Ultimate Zombie Food

I love bad food. I don't know why, but the worst the better for me. Here are some of my favorites, plus a ultimate new entry.

Jimmy Dean Flapsticks: This lovely item is basically a hot dog wrapped in pancake and sprinkled with chocolate chips. What could be better for breakfast?

The worst burger goes to Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger. Only 1,520 calories and 111 grams of fat. Figure the average guys needs around 2,000 calories and about 40 grams of fat, you get about a two days of food from just this one burger.

Worst appetizer goes to the Australians ... it is the authentic Sydney special, Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. This wonderful item has 2,900 calories, 182 grams of fat and 240 grams of carbs. As "Eat This, Not That" puts it. "This weapon of mass construction is the caloric equivalent of eating 14 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, before your dinner arrives." - Awesome.

But nothing beats this wholesome food item, I came across at the Consumerist. It's yummy pig brains in milk gravy. Not only does it break every Kosher rule in the book, it has a whopping 3,500 mg of cholesterol and 550 mg of sodium. It's like a stroke in a can.

Star Wars Dance Off

The geek in me loves this ... but is it art?

Vegas Bachelor Party - Baby

As a third generation Las Vegan, I'm often asked about Vegas bachelor party advice. I've tried to write about this subject a number times, but never seem to get it right. ... but here it goes.

I've been married sixteen years and of all of the memories I carry around with me, my bachelor party is not one of them. Not that I didn't enjoy it, I had a great time. It's just ... not that important.

So my first piece of advice is this: You have your whole life to screw up your marriage, why do it before it begins? You need to have a fun but recoverable bachelor party.

• Plan your party at least two weeks before the wedding. This will give you time to heal that black eye, recover from the sunburn, get rid of the disease, ect ...
• You need a trusted older male to supervise and maintain control - this is not meant to be a spoiler, but a limiter. Preferably a good brother-in-law, your father or a very cool headed father-in-law. He is the ultimate law enforcer. All must respect his "Authoritay .." This will also calm the frazzled nerves of your beautiful bride.
  
• Do NOT hire an escort or stripper to come to your room. It never goes well. If you want that sort of entertainment go to a strip club. It will cost a whole lot less money for a lot more entertainment.
• Have something more than just a stripper. I recommend a poker tournament. It is fairly inexpensive, it provides about 2 to 3 hours of entertainment and who knows you could win some big money. Stay away from slot machines.
• Do NOT drink and drive in Vegas. The DUI laws are strictly enforced. This is a good activity for your supervisor. Another good idea is to rent a van so that designated driver can take you bums in one vehicle.
• There is no humidity in Las Vegas and you will become dehydrated. Plan on drinking at least four 8oz bottles of water a day. I would drink at least 6 bottles of water before you start drinking alchohol.
• Do not hire a prostitute. Prostitution is not legal in Las Vegas or Clark County. You will probably get rolled - if you're lucky. Also many prostitutes are guys in disguise. If you must engage in this activity then go to Pahrump where it is legal and the girls are tested. It will cost quite a bit of mone and will probably make your future bride angry.
• Do NOT bring anyone back to your room. Your room is your sanctuary - safe zone. The person who wants to go back to your room probably just wants to rob you, cut your throat and leave you to bleed out in the bathtub.
• Do NOT get seperated from your group. Stay with the team. Watch your drink.
• Have a meet up place the morning after the BIG event. I suggest a breakfast buffet at your hotel around 10:30 am. That way you can find anyone who is missing. Also, it encourages your friends to end the party before 4 in the morning.
• Watch your wallet - keep it in your front pocket.
• Video poker is the best type of slot machine to play. Try to find IGT's Optimum poker. It has a pay rate of 99 percent. Figure on spending about 50 to 75 bucks an hour playing slot machines.
• If you don't know how to play a hand in blackjack, ask the dealer. They'll tell you optimal strategy. Follow the rules when gambling, the security guys don't like rule breakers. Big Wheel, Flip-It and Let It Ride are some of the worst odd games in the casino.
• Don't try to pretend you're a poker pro when you're not. The sharks can sniff the fresh blood a mile away. If it is a slow night, tell the poker room manger you're a noob and he will find a shark-free table for you to play at.
• If you're going to gamble, get a player's card and start getting rated. You can get all kinds of free things with just a little bit of play. However, unless you're a big fish (2k a hand) then don't bother getting rated at the Venetian, Mirage, Belagio, MGM, Mandalay Bay, Palms, or the Hilton. The Golden Nugget, Wynn, Paris, Tropicana, Sam's Town, Gold Coast and the Oreleans are good places to get a card no matter what your play is.
• If you're in Vegas on a Monday night, then I recommend going to the Hush Puppy for all-you-can-eat crab. There is nothing like it in Vegas. The Hush Puppy is out of the way and you should arrive early - the place is always packed.
• A bachelor party is what your make it. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. Relax and have fun.

Anyway, there it is. You know how this works .. just keep your wits about you and use common sense. I hope you have a fantastic B party and if you have any questions feel free to drop me an email.

What is Art?

A long time ago I took a theater class at UNR (University of Nevada, Reno). For our midterm we had to do different scenes from famous comedy plays. I played Oscar Madison in Neil Simon's, The Odd Couple.

The scene we chose was the "It's not spaghetti". You can see the original production bellow. Basically, Oscar and Felix get in a fight and Oscar takes a plate of linguine and throws it against the wall.




I decided in our production, I would take the plate and instead of throwing it against the wall, I would throw it into the audience - It was a paper plate with colored fabric that looked like Linguine with sauce.

It went off without a hitch. I threw the plate into the audience and the reaction was perfect. Everyone started screaming and then there was laughter as the ones hit realized it was only fabric.

My professor gave me a big, fat "C". He said what I was doing wasn't art, it was a practical joke.

What is art?

National Public Radio recently did a program on the NEA's finding that over 78 million of us Americans create art. This includes traditional artwork like painting and singing to non-traditional artwork like building models or creating a blog page.

Is this Art?



The study also found that our viewing of traditional arts is going down. Not only are fewer of us attending art shows and plays but those who are attending are older.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Is their more "Art Value" in attending a Broadway play than there is attending a comic book convention dressed as Princess Leah? What is a professional artist these days? I think it is just as difficult to answer as who is a journalist.

I think accessibility has really changed the paradigm here. If you take painting for example, an artist in the 17th century was a painter, a chemist, a tailor and a carpenter. There was no buying paint from the Dick Blick.

I feel very lucky, I can go to Home Depot and pick up a pint of discarded paint for about fifty cents. A good tube of acrylic paint can cost about three dollars and if you buy the craft paint it is about seventy five cents. A whole package of brushes only run you about four bucks and stretched boxed canvas is around ten dollars.

When I started painting, I got into it for less than a hundred bucks.

But is this accessability a good thing? Does it make the artist community stronger and more diverse? I say both yes and no. I've seen a lot of poorly drawn horses, barns, lighthouses and dolphins lately. The crap has overloaded the channel. I mean just go to Ebay and type "art". It is Dodge City all over again and there are many bloody bodies in the street.

I recommend that professional artists be a little more professional. I talked to many professional artists who have no idea what abstract, impressionism or cubism are. They are not familiar with great artists like JMW Turner, Gerorgia O'Keeffe or even Andy Warhol. My feeling is that if you do not understand the foundation and movement of art through time it does not matter how talented you are - your work will still be craft oriented.

Also, an artist must have an intricate knowledge of the materials and chemicals they use to create art. One should know at last the basics of the different paint types, varnishes, canvas and brushes. Presevering a work is almost as important as creating a work.

Star Wars - The Myth

This is what happens to all great stories.

Rick Parks

Many years ago ... I'm talking ancient history here, I worked for Westwood Studios as a video game designer. It was a great job, although I was too young and stupid to realize it at the time.

At Westwood, I got to know a fantastic artist named Rick Parks. The hand painted artwork he was doing on the Amiga was absolutely stunning. You have to remember this was in VGA (256 colors 640x480). His traditional work was just as good.

He also pioneered some of the first 3D animations in computer games. I worked with him on Dune II. He created a flying ornithopter using the first generation of Lightwave for the Amiga and Deluxe Paint.

I've not been successful finding any of Rick's traditional artwork on the Internet and quite frankly it's hard to find much information about him. But Rick was a great guy ... funny and witty with a good heart. He was also one of the best artist I have ever met.

I miss ya Rick.

Joseph Hewitt - Ode to Rick Parks

Art of the Bot

I love robots - especially the very large, tall, destructive kind. Machines consumed with some overpowering rage fascinates me.

If computers could experience emotions it certainly would not be the same as us, humans. We fear the unknown - future events that cannot be predicted. To an artificial intelligence the most fearful thing would probably be contradictions.

A man with two watches may never know what time it is, but a robot with two watches goes on a rampage destroying all watch factories.

I just ran across an amazing artist of the bot, Eric Joyner. Joyner went to the Academy of Art in San Francisco and started creating fine art after commercial art became to tedious. He did a stint with Electronic Arts, working on such games as Archon and Bard's Tale. He worked a few years before I got into video games - back when there were only two colors (green and black).

In an interview with Fecal Face, he was asked to describe his art to a stranger,

"I would describe my work as narrative, painterly & realistic with a pop/sci-fi twist. But the truth is, I would never tell a stranger anything. Momma told me not to talk to strangers."

I would describe it as pastoral art of mechanical toys. Of course, it is all very comical, but in a strange way, these cute, Japanese toys convey a truer sense of real human emotion than to paintings of the organic kind.

Interview with Eric Joyner




I do not own nor do I have specific permission to use any copyrighted artwork. All artwork presented here is the original creation of Eric Joyner and he maintains all rights and privileges. Any use of copyrighted material in this post is under the guidelines of "Fair Use".

Tin Robots
Fecal Face

Path of Deconstruction

I don't drink. This is not a moral choice but rather a reality choice.

For a while, when my MS was real bad, everything started to smell like cheese. It's hard to put into words what happens when your existence becomes not just cheese, but the essence of cheese. It was as if some mad scientist created a chemical to remind you of cheese.

The same kind of thing when you realize that it was just a smelly sneaker and not provolone.

Anyway that was enough surreal - reality for my taste (excuse the pun) and since then I've tried to keep myself grounded in the rational. Hence - no drinking.

... but lately, I've started to deconstruct. Not my mental state (thank goodness) but my views on art and literature. I've had the impulse to take a picture of a dusty lampshade from all different angles and throw it together in a collage of sorts. Or to tape random noises in my backyard and then run it through Dragon Naturally Speaking software, just to see what story pops out.

Don't worry - I'm not going postmodern. At least, I don't think I am. Oh God, I hope not.

Maybe I'll grow my beard out just a bit more. That always seems to help. - allows me plenty of time to scratch and ponder. There is gray and some white in my beard these days. Sad to think I would need to dye it black to look young again for that all too important, non-existing interview.

Maybe get my teeth whitened; get those caps that make old people thud their words. My daughter would laugh at me. or maybe not. In any case, she would scold me for trying to be someone different than DaDa.

Perhaps I should just sit by my artichoke plant and watch the alien flowers bloom out of the cactus like bud.

You know it's the heart of the artichoke that has to explode in order for the plant to flower.

Back in Action

Kmuzu will be back in action soon.